Monday, September 01, 2008
It had been a crazy crazy crazy weekends....3 nights straight clubbing!! OMG
After stopping clubbing for almost a year, last friday was the first time I stepped into the place again. I wouldn't have said "home sweet home" or "sweet memories" but the feeling of going back to that place was really indescribable.
I sat there looking at the people dancing and flirting. The music was homing around me with lights flashing. It reminded me of the times back then, when I first stepped into the place, when I was just like the people down at the dancefloor. I spent an hour just looking at them. Suddenly I felt so alien to everything, just strange, so out-of-touch. In fact, I felt old for a moment, but on second thoughts, I know there were older people than me inside for sure.
Wayne was playing finger guessing with his friends. I tried once and realised how out of touch I was. I stopped, kind of felt left out of this whole club biz. How sad and how pathetic that I would end up like this. I didn't even go down to the dancefloor that night. We went to ebay after that and continued drinking. They were playing dice and everything. I sat and watched again. I started another round of observation. Familiar faces, familiar scene but alien feelings. The boss came and tried all sort of means to make me drunk. I did not resist. I ended up a little drowsy but not drunk.
Saturday night. I was out there again, second time in the row. I met more of Wayne's friends. More people to talk to, more new faces, more new friends, or maybe just.. friends..... Things still felt a little off, but much better, really. The first time after one year I hit the dancefloor again. It was great. I felt the same as before, just like one year ago. Things had changed since then but I preferred to ignore that. This group is kinda fun. I wonder if I can integrate in slowly I wonder. The link to this group is weak. But I can sense one more link forming. When opposing forces meet I wonder what will happen. I keep my fingers crossed.
Sunday night. I was out at another club. Same gang. It was crazy. Perhaps I was tired, I lost control of myself. Memories kept gushing in like a dam opening its floodgate. I danced non stop to suppress whatever was building up in me. It worked and so I continued. I couldn't stop, I didn't want to stop. Everything came to an end at around 4am. We left the place. It was the second time I cried so hard because of this relationship. Soon, I began laughing. I laughed at myself. A van stopped by me asking if I was ok. It was only then I realised I might be attracting some attention. I stopped. If someone can choose not to fight for what one wants, it is either the person is just like this or, the person doesn't really want it at all. I figured it out soon after. Though jasmine said it seems like I am always the one initiating all the breakups but eventually it is always me ending up being the most heartbroken.
I wonder how long it would take for the pain to stop. It is making me weak, inside and outside. I don't wish to rush things, but I want to be back on my feet soon. I know I need to and I want to do so myself.
whispers..10:16 PM
