It has been a long time since I last felt more than alive. It was so long ago since I felt there are things in life that is much more important than anything else.
I gave up that dream years back, scurrying into the lane of comfort, conforming to conventional thoughts and workings of this rat-race life. I have never stopped blaming myself for being a coward to stand up to my belief and dreams, but I have never regretted for doing so as well.
I am someone who takes extreme measures. I never seem to accept well what we know as the gray area. Extremities are the two most contrasting thing ever which can set my mind at peace. A lost dream, a forsaken passion, hence became a forbidden taboo.
Friday night began my 24-hr tour to heaven experience after being burnt and eroded by the fire of sins for years. I called it a long lost dream which came back to me. Show is the thing which makes me feel alive. I stood on the stage and looked at the audience seats. It reminded me of the days. I danced across the stage and listened to the lum and dum when my shoes hit the wooden planks, the sound resonants within me, all the way back to the past. The lights, the air, seems to be calling to me. I felt a weird spurge of energy flowing through me. I knew it is the start of something sweet, with a bitter aftertaste.
I never thought they would need so much help from us. I never thought he would give up on them. I never thought so. If I had, I would had chosen to enter this house of sins earlier on. They were not ready. It shocked me. A calling was heard, one which told us to try to salvage whatever we can, and we did.
Saturday morning after a short 4 hour rest, I arrived at the Pearly Gates. I was held back initially. I shouldn't interfere too much. It is their show afterall. Things were bad, as bad as I had imagined. We did what we could to help. 11am he arrived. I thought from now on, I could slowly retreat back into the shadow again. But what he said shock me. A pat on the shoulder, a few lines pulled me out onto the stage bare naked unprepared. It was the same old feeling of responsibility, pressure, stress, thrill, rush, euphoria. I was cut out of the external world totally. My notes were neglected in one corner of the drama centre. The show is starting in 8 hours time and this is all the time I have to do what I can do.
I felt the stress, I felt the responsibility and I felt the energy. It was flowing through me like a sun burning. Neurons were firing rapidly, sparks flying, ideas flowing in and out waiting for me to fish them out of the stream accurately and timely. Meals became a chore. I did not stop. I went on and on and on. My phone rang but I was totally cut off. I was totally immersed in the characters, the shows, the performance. Costumes, lightings, sounds, makeup, props, stage, actors, script, one after another, problem raising, problem solving. Fortunately there were junwen and dianjun rendering their expertise as well.
Frustration, irritation, anger, worry, excitement, fear, joy.
I had never felt so alive and so real for so long. It went on and on and I lost track of time. Soon, I realised the show was starting. I wished I had more time. Sadness set in. Fear set in. Excitement set in. I want to watch the show but I got to rush to the next destination. I couldn't be there to see their efforts and masterpiece. I looked at the stage and each of everyone of them again. I know I am going to miss them. I so wanted to shout I love all of you but well nobody sane would do that. I wasn't that sane anyway...
Jun wen and I left for the airport, leaving with a heart that was still lingering in the air of drama centre.
I was truly happy, never that happy for so long in fact. I am happy for them. I envy them. I admire them. I hope they are treasuring everything they have now, truly.
Ivan left last night for studies. Especially after yesterday's experience in heaven, I told myself I must not let myself drop a single tear at the airport. I know I have a very chance of doing so. I dun wish to say how Ivan is as a friend to me and blah blah blah. Some things are better left unspoken, left inside the heart. 4 years may seem long, but it may be short. I know I am going to miss him a lot and that is all I need to know and do. There are things which I had wanted to say but in the end I chose not to. Perhaps it is the guy's thing to hide everything in their heart. Perhaps he knows what I am going to say? Ha. (and i suppose you would read this anyway bleah)
Seeing ivan entering the gate, I stopped myself from going to the front. Things should be kept mild and controlled I told myself. I looked around for distraction, but ended up seeing more things. Many people were leaving for studies as well. I looked at their expressions as they entered the gate. Some of them were not as calm as Ivan and I could see their emotions clearly from the forced smile. I can sense it. I looked at their friends hugging them and waving goodbye. I look at parents holding their hands, smiling to them saying goodbye. Those words, "goodbye" have never held so much impact and meaning to me before. I was still in the mode of having supreme sensitivity for emotions. You need to do so to guide the show and actors, but I am always lousy in reverting back. It proved to be fatal.
At that point of time, I start to appreciate how lucky I am that I need not be in this position cos I would never know if I can force out a smile like them. I stood back and turned around. The air is suffocating. On the other side, dianjun called to say the show had ended. It was finally over for them. And there I was at the airport, lost and battered. But at least I know I am alive, for one day. I was truly alive for one day.
whispers..8:31 PM
